| My life so far... |
[06 Aug 2007|12:46pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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They say time heals all wounds... and by "they" I mean anybody who's the optimistic type. I'm writing here once again because I feel as though I have a new life. I look back at all my old memories & past events and am amazed at how things changed for me. I could not stress to you how much I've changed so far... I'm fucking ALIVE, I'm here right now, breathing. Do you know how good that feels for me to finally say that? I really hope that at least some of you know what I mean when I say that. I think you could relate if you could just look back at your life and wonder how you're still even breathing. I truly can, because I survived the worst year of my life and somehow I've managed to come out more positive then when I went in. I don't feel empty inside anymore nor do I hate my life or myself. I love myself. I don't want to die, in fact, I appreciate life so much more now then I ever did. Not sure how I got to this point but I never thought I could ever feel this good again. I was so crushed last year by my mother's death that I allowed the rest of my world to fall apart; and I did it by not caring about my life or the people around it. My emotional and mental state was already crippled even before she died and her death was what triggered a chain of events. I felt completely trapped, my heart felt as if it were rotting away. Dead and useless is what I told myself I was every morning I woke up. It was only a matter of time before I would really kill myself or make the conscious effort to love myself and accept all that has happened. I think without my mother's passing I would've never put my life back on track. Even in death she's been helping the whole time, she never died, as long as i breathe she exists in my heart & soul. Time, that is what allowed me to realize this and to think of her without hurting. You have to understand that going from once every minute to maybe twice a day of thoughts from her and not cry is a huge progression. It puts a smile on my face to remember her and inspires me to finally do something with my life. I've finally overcome the fear of living. No longer will I allow my demons to cripple or paralyze me from living my life. The way I see it is that she accepted her death so that I could accept my life. She left me with something that is more valuable then money or gold, she left me with the strength & a will to live. Thank you mom... You've helped me more then you'll ever know and I wouldn't take anything back that we went through.
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| I was gone for a minute, but I'm back....... |
[14 Jan 2007|03:37pm] |
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I can't truly say that all is well for me at this point, but I guess I can say that I'm a whole lot better off then I was about six, seven, eight months ago. It has really been one hell of a year for me, I mean it really fucking has. I'm warn & drained but I'm still alive. Dealing with my mother's passing was not easy and I'm not saying I've gotten passed it cause I probably never will, but being in a destructive, mind fuck of a relationship for six months did not help the healing process either. I'm not happy to say it but relieved to say that I don't have to deal anymore with all the theatrics and stress of a troubled relationship. I should've known right from the start, I should've trusted my instinct and gut feeling but I didn't... I wanted to try and love again. And I did, still do love this person but..... all the bad shit that came along with it outwayed all that love. From the first arguement I knew something was wrong... it didn't make sense to me how people could get into fights over the stupidest things. It was quite an abusive type of love, physical at times but mostly emotional. I never thought it could hurt that bad to love another, I never knew it could take so much out of you. I thought it was supposed to be easy to love but I guess I was wrong. So does that mean it wasn't true love? Or did it just mean that we weren't ment for each other? Maybe its just me, I dunno. I suppose it's wrong to give up on someone who's givin up on themselves... to give up on a person who couldn't stand to see me happy unless it was with them. Maybe my patience just finally ran out and I got tired of the insecurity, the paranoia & accusations, the yelling & fighting, the guilt trips, and the Bi-polar type behavior. Who knows? Maybe I was just tired of being afraid, constantly giving in, or maybe I was just tired of not being happy. I started to feel like I wasn't myself anymore. I felt like I was being sucked into another persons twisted world and it was changing me for the worse. It wasn't all bad if I'm making it seem that way. There were plenty of precious & beautiful moments but they couldn't match or heal the damage that had already been done. I'm truly sorry it had to end this way... why couldn't she have been an adult and tried to understand? I hate that she has to hate me for doing what was right... although it's hard to see the good in all this, I hope someday she will. I hope she can be happy for me as I am for her.
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| What a weekend!. . . . |
[08 Aug 2006|07:48pm] |
So Friday I go to court to ask the judge for an extention on my community service from a ticket I got a last year . . .and, instead of giving it to me or making me pay a fine the bitch decides to send me to jail for five days!!!! What the fuck?!!
Anyway I get booked around ten in the morning and my ass gets sent to LA County Jail like at noon. What the Hell?! I seriously couldn't believe what was going on. . . I seriously thought "How the fuck is a metro looking type guy like me going to survive five days in jail?". I mean I was all dressed up nice with some boots and my hair done all scene. If I had known some how that I would be sent to jail I wouldn't have dressed up so. . . . gay-ish. But anyway I guess that was a good thing on my part. All the guards there thought I was gay so they seperated me from the general population. . . they even put me in with all the crazy, suicidal people because of the Prozac I take(or use to that is). Luckily, I only had to spend one night there. . . I got out around Four on Sat. I think that had to be the lowest point of whats become of my life in the last year. This whole year has been shit and then for that to just come around was fucking crazy! It really woke me up though. It some how made me realize how much of a hole I was letting myself get stuck into. I can never bring my mother back. . .I've always known that but. . . I don't know what I've been trying to prove all this time since she's been dead. I guess I just didn't care about living or moving on. It really helped me in a weird way. Don't know how, but now I feel different. She might not be alive anymore. . . but I am. I'm still here and I'm still going to do what I've been destined to do.
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[18 Jun 2006|06:59pm] |
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I guess. . . little by little, "Life" is some what improving. Life can never be the same for me. . . but it doesn't have to stay this way any longer. It's hard for people to understand what I'm going through ... atleast most do. If it happened to you, how would you react? Everyone is different, so the aftermath or result of "Death" varies. I guess it takes longer for me to pick up the pieces. It just hurts too much to do anything about. . . well, anything. What motivation do I have? To who or what do I have any obligation to? Nobody and nothing. I'm a big black gapping hole.
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| Saturday March 4, 2006 10:20 PM |
[29 Mar 2006|02:58am] |
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mood |
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 fuck you |
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So I guess I should start somewhere. . .although I don't think I could find a suitable place to begin. I think it's just that I don't want people to say things like ". . .Dude, I'm so sorry for your lose" or something else cliche, I've just never been good with taking compliments or apologies so please . . .just don't even try. I've been floating around for the past month or so, just lost in my own limbo. You always hear of death around the world on the news or from friends, but it never truly affects you till you experience it yourself. I guess that's why I feel like a total fucking monster right now. I just thought that maybe people deal with things differently or mourn their own ways, but I know it's not true. Let me tell about a women I use to know, a women unlike any other. I mean she was such a powerful and unstoppable female, I never thought she could ever be defeated. This person spoken about and I had a very loving yet troubled relationship. Strange as it may seem but this women was the first women I ever fell in love with and the first women to ever break my heart. It was a "tug of war" type relationship in where I was given and shown love but was quickly abandoned to fend for myself. Being so young I couldn't understand why this would happen, I mean children aren't suppose to worry right? Kids are just there to learn, play, and grow. . . not worry about if they were going to have a place to sleep, something to eat, money troubles, police, or if someone they loved was going wind up dead in the morning. I use to stay up at all late hours crying, praying to God to watch over this lady and to bring her home safely to me soon. He always did though and I always thanked him for that. But even now, growing into a man and on the verge of turning 21, I can't help but still feel wounded by her acts. The small child in me still lives and doesn't want to let go. He still makes me remember it all and never forget. How can I ever forget the lies, the drugs, the loneliness, the yelling & crying, and the pain & suffering? She took me through Hell and back before I even knew my ABC's. The things I saw and the life I've lived have made me cold. I thought I had made it though, I really thought that I actually came out of that "O.K." . . .but I was sadly mistaken. I use to wish bad things for her when things got worse, I use to wish that she would just die already because somehow it would've made both our lives easier and the suffering would end. As I got older and even when I was removed from her custody I did my best to avoid her as much as possible. The very sound of her voice enraged me and caused me to treat her horribly. I guess I never really learned how to forgive her for what she had done. Even when she had completely turned her life around and had started a better life I couldn't find it in my soul to let go. I held on and on until it dug itself deep with inside and took root in my heart. It went so deep that I actually thought it had gone away and I had it under control. What was once filled with anger and love is now a giant empty space within my very soul. Now it's a black hole caving in on itself and destroying everything in its path. I tried to fix things before it was too late, I really did even before I knew this would happen. I even started seeing a therapist, taking medication, and actually opening up to some that had never had the chance to see me this way. I even told her how I felt, even trying to make her feel guilty but most importantly because I knew I had to let her know what was going on. She knew what she had done and even tried to help me but somehow it still wasn't enough. She even was the only one who understood and supported my pursuit of music, yet it still wasn't enough. What did I want from her damn it? What else could she possibly do to make things right? I wish I knew, I really do. Even I knew how disturbing this was and that's why I tried getting help for it. But I was too late with all that, by the time things were starting to look better for us, but especially me, she goes up and leaves me again. It all happened so fast, I don't think I even had time to react. I was there in the room when we said our final goodbyes to her, but even then I kept within my shell. I wanted to cry so bad, but I didn't realize that this would've been the last time I ever got the chance to say I love you. As soon as we got home and into our pajamas they called us and told us the news. Like always I was given the opportunity to take a chance and set things right but instead I lacked the courage like with everything in my life. I really don't know what I'm going to do now with my life, now that I've lost her and all hope of fixing whats broken inside. I can't believe she's really gone this time, I can't believe I'll never see her again. I really hope God has something good up his sleeves this time around because I don't think I can do this on my own anymore.
No matter how much you managed to hurt me though, I never stopped loving you or believing that you would change mom. I love you more then anyone I have ever loved and my biggest regret is never showing you how much I did. I'll be good mom, just like you asked, but I can't guarantee I can stay sane. The irony in all this is that when you were alive I spent my days avoiding you and now that you're gone, I'd kill for the chance to hear you tell me you love me one last time. Her name was Esther Alicia Villegas, she died of cancer on Saturday March 4, 2006 at 10:20PM and she was my mother. Goodbye mom, I love you and I'm truly sorry.
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